What do I actually want? I have no fucking clue. I think i want something. I think that i want to make a lot of money. God i think i want a wife and some kids.
Cosplay
It feels like cosplaying. Yeah, like i’m roleplaying some fake human being. LIke I am pretending to be a husband as I see it projected to me on television.. or movies or something…
It is frustrating. It is easy to say there is no self. that there is no being deep down that drives me.. I think there is. I think there is something. it might not really be what I think it is. I have no control over it.. it has no control over itself. it just is. yanno it just is as if it came into being from nothing.
I.. Well i think i am just that being slightly filtered by my experiences… by the turnings of the mind.
Going down
I feel like i am going down some odd void. Like i am trying to discover some truth reality that does not exist. this is exhausting. I think the why does not really matter. I think the why is a distraction. I think the why is another false impression.
Suffering
Fuck I am back at it. I want to avoid suffering.. I want to avoid pain. I can only speak for myself. I’d like to say i want to guide others. There is no other i can help.. not even myself can i help. So I want to ask myself…. How do i avoid suffering at this moment in time… yeah thats what i want to try to do… I do not think i can really predict the future. I do not think i can say this will likely reduce the suffering of everyone.. That is way too difficult a think to comprehend. My mind is too small for such things.
We’re Fucked
So yeah.. we are all fucked. i think that is the nature of our being. To be completely fucked. There is no escape from it. I think maybeee.. just maybeeee there is some slight ability to minimize my own suffering.. but I do not really know if i have such free will.
With love
With Love,
Cobra